. . . . : : : Laugh with Planet Padua : : : . . . .
1.Don't call, ever.|
2.If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her
figure it out by herself.
4.Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such as "spike"
5.If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you
mailed it to them.
6.Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will you
go out with me?
7.Drink MadDog and Pabst Blue Ribbon, if it is cheap who cares, ya
8.Play with yourself. Talk about it.
9.Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice
grunt will do.
10.Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it
isn't your fault.
12.Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't
13.Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.
14.Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever
you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.
15.If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason
why, just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like,
"I don't know. I just don't like her personality."
16.If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises.
17.TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.
18.Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in
19.One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best
friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for
not giving up on her.
20.Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.
21.Say things like "Wha...?"
22.Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up
24.Deny everthing. Everything.
25.Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."
26.If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.
Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want
27.Don't have a clue.
28.If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.
29.Yes means no.
30.If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
Enforce this rule at all times.
31.If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
32.Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.
33.Feelings? What feelings?
34.Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If
you don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."
35.Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.
37.Keeping house is OUT OF THE QUESTION-live in filth. Babes love
38.DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed into
a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still
must come up with an answer,leave yourself a loophole for escape.
Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for
a romantic dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how
many sperm I produce each day."
39.Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual
meaning. Do so.
40.At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
41.If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an exact
replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.
43."Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think
about saying it.
44.A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.
45.Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss
her again.Repeat cycle.
47.ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.
48.If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.
49.Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial
things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.
50.Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see
51.It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.
52.Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen,
53.Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel
sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue
55.Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.
56.Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.
57.If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing,
DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.
58.You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.
59.You are male, therefore you are superior.
60.Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with
yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.
61.Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
62.Don't ever notice anything.
63.If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't
say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with
falls in love with YOU, and then tell her.
64.Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.
65.Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.
67.If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
you've done nothing wrong.
68.Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you
have to cry about, anyway?
69.If the question begins with "why," the answer is
"I don't know."
70.Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.
71.Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.
72.If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been
proven wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and
believable excuses why they are at fault- not you.
73.Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear
this phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.
74.If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until
a parking spot right near the door opens up. If this
takes hours, so be it. You will have the coveted "door
spot" and others will worship your skills.
75.Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought
about sex.Compare with others.
76.Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long
78.General Rule: Different is BAD.
79.If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard
it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this
huge favor you've done for them at least every 5 minutes for the
rest of their life.
80.Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long
81.If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want
to talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still
doesn't talk to you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"
82.Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak
to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you
are mad at me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.
84.If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation,
tell the girl how many different dorms you've been
85.When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say,
"God, I was such a pimp back then."
86.Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and
when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the
bed. Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go
check on his daughter. Then drive like hell.
87.If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone
else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know,
SHE's the one who wanted to end the relationship.
88.The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls
89.Practice your blank stare.
90.Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your
ass. Then, whenever you need one, you
can pull it out of your ass.
91.If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions
like rage and lust and insanity and display them at
random, inconvenient times. You won't be asked to do it again.
92.If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do,
first try your manly best to get out of it. If that
doesn't work, go ahead and do what you were asked to do, but
complain that you don't know how to do it and
continuously ask questions on how to do each little part. If no one
rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job in the most
half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I TOLD you
I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking
you to do things.
93.Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than
it already is. When people ask if you've been
working out, say things like, "No, Baby,I was BORN like
94.Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color
Me Badd, or Oldies.
95.Beer. Then more beer.
96.Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.
97.One word: FOOTBALL!
98.Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want
the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do
99.Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with
101. Ok the call thing final word!!
1 day, never!!!
2 days used to be kinda Money, but everyone is doing it now...so
3 Days is the Money!!! Ya make em wait and then ya call, or the
superstar routine is
ya wait 3 weeks, then ya call and say "Hey I found you're
number in my wallet, and figured I would call to find out who it
was, did I meet ya... and well....Did we fuck??"